My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize