So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
