I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
