the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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