Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
