I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
