i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
