yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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