One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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