I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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