he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
