Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
