I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize