Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
