i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
