I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
