Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
And then my night got REAL pukey
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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