I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
