I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
