i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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