I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
