Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
