If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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