I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
