she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
