Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Randomize
