he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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