Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize