she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
