How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
