Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
