Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize