My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
