Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
