it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
