If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
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