there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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