awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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