The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
