Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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