I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
