Tell her she can't have a vagina
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
