I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
