he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
