he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
