Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
