i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
