You can't motorboat a personality
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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