So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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