paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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