we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
