I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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