Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
