1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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