i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
