remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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