He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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