I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
